


Boku No Meta Academia Chatfic

by epicgamergirl



Category: Original Work, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Australia, Cars, Discord - Freeform, Drug Addiction, Egg Laying, Fascism, Fascist Midoriya Izuku, Flashbacks, Furry, Organized Crime, Sprite Cranberry, Technology, Terrorism, chatfic, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2020-12-27 14:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21120047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicgamergirl/pseuds/epicgamergirl
Summary: the bokunometaacademia discord is a dark, secretive place. From fascism to drug deals to sprite cranberry, murder, mystery and- oh come on this is just a shitpost for a discord server if you want to read this feel free but be warned- it starts shitty and will only get worse





	1. BokuNoMetaAcademia

It was a wonderfully dark day on the BokuNoMetaAcademia discord server. Dark, of course, because all discord users with half a brain would never use the hideous light mode.

#general, September 17th

Hoes sad: just make the entire thing about me

Hoes sad: and how great I am

Carlossey: No

The server chat was slowly moving currently. These were the dead chat hours, a sacred time when few were awake. In these hours, the server chat was only around 10% as shitty as it usually is, which is saying something.

Carlossey: furryurarakainflation.png

Well, it was still pretty shitty.

PsuedoPigeons: No NSFW pls

Carlossey: Gay mods removing my epic posts

Now, time for an introduction. This person in question is Carlossey, a lazy lowlife fatass jojo fan. Basically, the bottom scum of the world. Just remember him when you’re thinking of who you want to see die first.

Carlossey: Ok so pseudo, beachy, tea and tsubasa have signed up for the lemon furry roleplay session

Carlossey: That’s 4 out of 8 mods we’re going to take over the server

Hoes sad: hondacivic.jpg

Hoes sad: I like this car and I also like cars

Carlossey: Cars are stupid

Hoes sad: I’ll run you over with one and then you can fucking say that again

Fascist!Deku AU: Omg carlos you just posted cringe

Hoes sad: Cringe

PsuedoPigeons: Cringe

KamiJirou (Read KnY): Cringe

BANG!

With an echoing clamour, a giant spark seared out of Carlossey’s computer, luckily avoiding damaging him, though the heat was still felt after. Carlossey angrily munched on vegemite sandwiches and tim tams.

Carlossey: Omg wtf guys that wasn’t cringe

Carlossey: Ok I need to go to sleep now gn

Punkkin: Gn!

PsuedoPigeons: Gn

Fascist!Deku AU: Gn

PsuedoPigeons: Ok now let’s get down to discussing who’s going to be doing the drug runs tonight

#General, September 18th

Fascist!Deku AU: Omg guys I got tickets to Fascist Deku Con!

Dumb Fuck: Hmm

Tsubasa: Can I come?

Danmerica67: Why would you want to go there when you could be going to the Festival of the Jirous? They’re both on the same night, and we all know the better one

_Several people are typing…_

Tsubasa: Deku

KamiJjirou (Read KnY): Jirou

Fascist!Deku AU: Deku

Desert: Hawks

Mr. Seaweed: Jirou

SnakeMug: Deku

Hoes dad: Hawks

Hoes sad: Hawks

Punkkin: They’re all pretty good!

Desert: 4 for hawks 5 people with bad opinions

Danmerica67: All who voted for hawks deserve the death penalty

Suddenly, the smell of hunterxhunter wafted through the discord chat. What smells like hunterxhunter? The one and only ShiningOne, Moderator of Anime, of course.

ShiningOne: Take this to #bnha-anime or #obama-netflix or whatever

Dumb Fuck: Hmm

Dumb Fuck: ok

#obama-netflix

Fascist!Deku Au: So yall ready for the fascist deku con

SpicyTea: Imagine unironically supporting fascism

The air in this channel was musty, smelling like that fucking little dude who has a white face from Dragon Ball Z. This smell emanated from Tea, Moderator of Politics.

Fascist!Deku Au: You’re the first to go when fascism takes over

SpicyTea: ok buddy

Tsubasa: Fascist deku is the ultimate war hero

Fascist!Deku Au: Praise fascist deku! Praise fascist deku! Praise fascist deku!

#bnha-anime

Danmerica67: So who’s coming to the Festival of the Jirous

Phinorex: obviously

KamiJirou (Read KnY): I actually have a speech there

Danmerica67: @Tsubasa#4565 @PsuedoPigeons#2966 @Carlossey#6709 come

Carlossey: Jirou’s too ugly for me to be in her presence for more than 5 seconds

Danmerica67: Mom no

Carlossey: Mum*

Danmerica67: Sorry mom

PsuedoPigeons: Sorry, I’m going to FDC.

Tsubasa: Maybe

Danmerica: @Gay Sjw Kpop Fans come

PsuedoPigeons: :IidaPing:

SpicyTea: Boi

ShiningOne: Don’t fucking ping me for this crap

Punkkin: I can come! But you probably shouldn’t ping the mods like this in the future <3

Beachyboy50: Banned

Theodore877: :Cursed:

RaynbowDeath: Why was I pinged for this but no I’m going to Fascist Deku Con too

Tsubasa: Maybe

In an instant, #bnha-anime was filled with a rainbow light, as cocktails and small, gluten-free brownies rained from the ceiling. The extremely exuding homosexuality of all 9 moderators of the server; PsuedoPigeons, SpicyTea, ShiningOne, Punkkin, Beachyboy50, Theodore877, Tsubasa, jordonn and RaynbowDeath merged together, creating a blast of the big gay that blew all other inferior lifeforms off their feet.

Carlossey: Lol mods gay

[3 MirioYes]

Carlossey’s hilariously unique and funny comment had been reacted to positively 3 times with the holy MirioYes emote, and his comment was cemented in #community. He breathed a sigh of relief as the 1 on his screen went back up to a 2.

Theo: :MirioYes:

Dumb Fuck: Hmm

#sports

The atmosphere was high-tuned, a metaphorical sports stadium. The players sat on the field, not playing, instead merely discussing.

Desert: Petition to ban Dan

[4 MirioYes]

Hoes sad: Why don’t we try assassination instead

Hoes dad: Ok buddy

Desert: I’m in

Desert: Meet up at the Festival of Jirous tomorrow

Hoes sad: I can’t come, soz

Hoes dad: I can

Desert: Thank you Gang

Hoes dad: yw

#community

Pop Star: By Carlossey: [3 MirioYes] in #bnha-anime

Lol mods gay

Pop Star: By Desert: [4 MirioYes] in #sports

Petition to ban Dan

Pop Star: By Theodore877: [3 MirioYes] in #secret-channel

Ok psu I have enough money so see ya at Fascist Deku Con, meet me behind the toilets

PsuedoPigeons: .clear 5

#admin-log

NadekoBot: Cleared the last 5 messages in #community

#general (Dead Chat Hours)

Carlossey: literalfurryporn.png

PsuedoPigeons: No NSFW pls

Danmerica67: Hot

Punkkin: So who’s going to the Festival of the Jirous tomorrow?

Danmerica67: Good decision

Danmerica67: Me

PsuedoPigeons: Nah

*Fascist!Deku AU has changed their name to Praise fascist deku*

Praise fascist deku: Nope lol

Punkkin: Well I’ve got to go off to bed, see you guys tomorrow!

Carlossey: Lmao no

Danmerica67: Imagine living in Australia

PsuedoPigeons: Yeah imagine

Carlossey: Shut up kiwi

PsuedoPigeons: :Cursed:

dingalinglingling!

Punkkin rolled around in her bed, subconsciously responding to the cat alarm. She might’ve rolled off, but 20 of her robot butlers immediately came to her side and rolled her away, down the corridor to the breakfast hall. She was pleasantly awoken by the morning sunlight reaching in through the glass corridor’s walls. As she woke up, several butlers (robot, human, irish and lizardfolk alike) made work to bringing her breakfast.

One young man of 18 stood beside her, blushing.

“Ms. Punkkin, you have such a big house… how did you ever get this far in life?”

Punkkin blushed, appreciating his sincerity. “Well, after curing all cancer in the world with my wholesomeness superpowers, they donated all the money used for cancer research to me in thanks! I naturally donated it to other worthy causes, but then they kept trying to give me more! I turned several mansions into facilities and cheap housing for the homeless as well as new schools, but this one had historical value, so I wasn’t allowed to demolish it. I know it might sound hollow, but you can do this too if you put your heart into it!” The boy blushed brightly at the comment and ran off to fetch some marmalade.

After taking a walk through the public botanical gardens she owned that were located next to her mansion, Punkkin set off. It was a bright, sunny Spring morning, with no clouds in the sky, and songbirds twittering and flying to and fro.

Now, we could go on and on about Punkkin’s happy day where she met up with her friends and had a lovely time at the Festival of Jirous. But that’s boring and too fluffy for this story. So why don’t we head over to the Fascist Deku Con, and see what’s going on over there instead?

The sky was a bland grey, with looming clouds drifting over. By the looks of things, rain wasn’t far off. A man with overgrown hair wearing tattered old fishing clothes walked by himself, down the middle of Fascist Deku Con. This was Theodore877, or rather Theodore, and he tromped through the muddy grounds, past the groups of bickering fascists, currently arguing over whether or not celebrities should be legally required to enlist if they want to work in Hollywood. 

Theo chugged down the fifth Sprite Cranberry for this afternoon. The sugar and cranberry flavouring of the soft drink was the only thing that brought light to his life now. Nothing else could after… Theo quickly began counting to 10, steering his mind away from the topic as his therapist had recommended.

12.30pm. The talk didn’t begin until 2pm, but Theo had places to be. He waited for a group of fascist women to walk past, quietly moving behind the women’s toilets once they were gone. It was tranquil yet muddy back here, shoots of bamboo and small trees creating a clearing, while contrasting with the greyish-white concrete of the women’s toilets’ back wall. Theo nervously squatted down, before noticing a single pigeon inquisitively staring at him from the top of a bamboo shoot.

“Squawk?” The pigeon inquired.

“It’s me, Theo. Theo. Hey.” Theo responded, looking down, not wanting to meet the bird’s judgmental gaze.

The pigeon stared at him, before suddenly turning up. From its throat rose a camera, extending outwards to look at the dishevelled figure in front of it.

A voice rose from the pigeon’s throat; of a woman, strong and loud. “Theo! Great to see you! Well, great on my end at least. Theo, you look wrecked! I think your shirt has maybe… six more holes than last time I saw you. And with all that facial hair, well, I could hardly recognise you! Greetings from New Zealand!” as the voice ended, the pigeon’s eye moved over to Theo, clearly desiring a response.

Theo tried to ignore the verbal assault, though he knew that it would come back to whisper and hiss when he least wanted it to late at night. He pulled several wads of dollar bills out of his pockets, holding them up for the pigeon to see. “I got enough, see? That’s definitely at least 100, if not 110.”

A laugh rose from the pigeon. “And who did ya steal that from?”

Theo shuffled uncomfortably. “I didn’t steal it, ok? I just… firmly asked grandma for help. I would’ve asked my parents, but they don’t really want to talk to me anym-“

“Yeah, yeah I get it. You know you deserve it, either way. Anyways, what ya came here for. The results are going good, ok? We’ve managed to develop a somewhat synthetic form of marijuana, though the high isn’t great yet. We’re going strong, ok? I’ll see you in another month, and bring 150 this time. My day is a valuable resource, and I expect to be well payed for using it like this. Oh, and have this.” The pigeon withdrew the camera back into it’s mouth. Coughing and gurgling for a second, it threw up a can of Sprite Cranberry on the ground. Theo rushed forward, cradling the sacred drink in his hands.

The pigeon flew off, high, high and higher into the horizon, disappearing between the clouds as rain began to pour down on Fascist Deku Con. Theo simply lay on the ground, downing the Sprite Cranberry, wishing the rain would wash away the world.

#general

Punkkin: Met up with Dan and KamiJirou at Festival of Jirous!

Phinorex: Where are yall I seriously can’t find you

Punkkin: We’re at the Jirou Cafe. We’ll wait here, ok?

Phinorex: Got it

Praise fascist deku: Fascist Deku is starting his talking in 10 minutes

Tsubasa: real shit

SnakeMug: Wish we could skip forward exactly 10 minutes in it

Tsubasa: Also I swear I saw theo earlier lmao @Theodore877#3005

Theo: Hi lol yeah I’m here

Praise fascist deku: Good life decisions have been made

SpicyTea: You’re literally at a fascist rally

\--DIRECT MESSAGES-

Desert: Dan is at the Jirou Cafe for another 10 minutes

Gangwolf: Got it, I’m 2 minutes away from them then

The stadium was silent. A man in his 40s stood in front of a podium, all attention on him. He had curly green hair with a red hat reading “MAKE ANIME GREAT AGAIN”, and a boyish, cheerful face. But in direct contrast to this rather childish face, he wore a sharp black striped suit, and stood alert and at attention. As a man in the back gave him a cue, he burst into speech.

“WELCOME EVERYBODY…” he boomed, “TO THE THIRD ANNUAL HOSTING OF THE FASCIST DEKU CON!” Cheers roared up for Fascist Deku as he grinned, spreading his arms out wide. The stadium grew bright, and cheerful, victorious music began playing, people shouting and applauding for the 1st president of the newly-founded Great Japanimerica, Mr. Fascist Deku himself.

_Wow_, thought jordonn (also known as Praise fascist deku), _what an amazing man_! He grinned at the wonder before him.

_Jeez_, thought SnakeMug, _I only came here as a joke but he is a paragon to behold_! He grinned in surprised amazement.

_Superb!_ Thought RaynbowDeath, _Fascist Deku destroys yet another generation of libtards with his facts and logic_! He grinned excitedly, desperate for more.

But one man stood half-heartedly clapping amongst the crowd, what could best be described as a constipated grimace on his face. Tsubasa was thinking at an incomprehensible speed. _I’ll kill you, you scummy motherfucker. How dare you stand there like how you stood proud when you slaughtered the beacon of my life? I’ll kill you dead, Fascist Deku, for what you did to my naval commander, the voice of reason in this stormy world… I miss you dearly, General Eri._


	2. Tsubasa

The sea breeze was faint, yet freely gliding. The S. S. Love and Protection sailed strong and brave, tearing through the Atlantic’s waves. Deckhand Tsubasa was laboriously cleaning the helm room, taking in the ocean view he had loved so dearly.

“General Eri, how are things going?” A grey-haired woman, approximately midget in size, turned around in her awesome spinny chair to face Tsubasa.

“Idfk” She sternly replied.

“but General Eri!”

“lmao ok m8 l8r idc” Eri replied in a carefree tone, almost interpretable as seductive.

“FASCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISM BEAM!” A blinding green flash filled the room, knocking Tsubasa down to his feet. His senses were sent wheeling, unable to discern his surroundings. All he could make out between his flashing vision and buzzing hearing were loud words being broadcast across the ocean.

“LMAO FUCKING CARTOON-EUROPEAN TRASH GET ON MY LEVEL”

Tsubasa was sure he had heard incorrectly. General Eri and her crew were part of Great Japanimerica, not Cartoonrope! Surely this couldn’t be happening. Surely their almighty lord and saviour, Fascist Deku, wouldn’t destroy his own country’s ships. Tsubasa didn’t- couldn’t- think about it, and gave in to the encircling darkness entering his mind. Tsubasa had lost track of Fascist Deku’s speech at this point. He stared into the echelons of memories flooding his mind, until a pigeon shat on him and he was returned to reality.

“SO THIS IS WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO. WE’RE GONNA TAKE ALL THE MEXICANIME, AND PUT UP YUUUUUUUUUUUGE AMOUNTS OF ADVERTISEMENTS ON EVERY PAGE. I’M TALKING EVERY GOD DAME MEXICANIME SITE THEY HAVE. YOU HEAR ME?”

A cacophonous roar of agreement besieged the crowd, Tsubasa joining back in.

_ I remember that day, Fascist Deku. And I will fucking wipe you off the face of this planet. After practicing my ninja skills for approximately 10 minutes, I have learnt enough to break you into tiny pieces. _

#events

Carlossey: Here’s the first chapter of my “Kaminari lays an egg” fanfic

Tango_Down: My face when I’m not in it

Carlossey: Don’t worry I’ll possibly remember you next time

Tango_Down: Thanks mom

Danmerica was walking down the main road of the Festival of Jirous. He was carrying Jirou-themed bags, filled with Jirou-themed merchandise and Jirou-themed clothes. Of course, he was only making sure to buy items that used the heritage “Jiro” title. The removal of the u was very important for perfect authenticity. Suddenly, his seventeenth sense (His ability to sense cool merchandise) brought him walking over to a stall selling flags. Perfect! A flag with a minimalistic design of Jiro on it! The only problem being it said “JIROU” on the pricetag. _Damn, so close to perfection._ He thought.

“Hey there, I see you eyeing that flag.” A hoarse voice called to Danmerica from behind a nearby building. “You know, I’ve got a version of it that says Jiro on the pricetag, plus it’s $16.99 instead of $17. So how ‘bout it?”

Danmerica thought about it for a good second. “I’m interested.” He replied, entering the dark alleyway the cloaked figure was situated in.

“SIKE BITCH!” The figure yelled, two gunshots coming from beneath his cloak.

Danmerica was lucky, barely dodging the bullets, thanks to his 14th sense, knowing the exact location of all midair projectiles within a 2km radius. Danmerica looked out into the festival. _Damn, it would be really embarrassing if I died in front of a bunch of random people, He thought._ _The best move here is to run really far into this dark alleyway so nobody can find me._

#general

Carlossey: miriodekuroughanalsex.png

PsuedoPigeons: No NSFW pls

Cow Man Cowman: :corb:

Beachyboy50: Hello

Corny: Shut up

Carlossey: Shut up beachy

Grass: Psuedo why is your pfp so cursed

PsuedoPigeons: yes

Cow Man Cowman: Beachy if you don't fucking make #plants an official channel I will crush you to death

Beachyboy50: No

_Pitterpatterpitterpatter_

Danmerica had been running for at least 15 minutes now, and he was beginning to feel out of breath. It was also now dark and raining. It was probably dark and rainy because that makes the scene way cooler than if it were overcast and bright or some dumb, lame shit like that.

BANG! BANG!

Danmerica dodged another 2 bullets flying past him, running up a fire escape. He recognised his assailant now as Gangwolf, due to his 12th sense of knowing people’s names via their walking patterns. Considering Danmerica had literally dodged the last 36 bullets launched at him, he thought that Gangwolf should have either given up on shooting or ran out of ammo at this point. But he realised his mistake as he reached the top of the fire escape and found it literally led to nowhere, trapping him up there.

“COME DOWN YOU HAWKS-HATING BITCH” Gangwolf screamed, shooting out another 6 bullets which were all dodged by Dan’s impressive reflexes.

“HAWKS IS A TRASH CHARACTER WHO DESERVES TO DIE” Danmerica shouted back, still standing at the top, hands on the rails.

Gangwolf didn’t respond, instead beginning to climb the fire escape. Danmerica seized the opportunity, dislodging a brick from the wall and dropping it down, thanks to his 11th sense, knowing whether an object was able to be dislodged or not. Gangwolf fell, downed by the brick. Danmerica took his chance. Unsheathing his Jiro-themed dagger, he slit Gangwolf’s throat, running off into the night.

Gangwolf woke up. He was in a shadowed, abandoned street, sitting below a fire escape. He put a hand out to begin climbing before phasing right through it. He looked down, to find himself on the floor.

_What the fuck?_ He thought to himself, finding he was unable to form words with a mouth. Unsure of what to do, he bent down and found himself able to interact with his phone, manipulating the device's screen and moving to the discord app.

#sports

Gangwolf: I lost

Desert: Fuck

Gangwolf: Also I’m dead now

Desert: What the fuck

Gangwolf: Should I try possess Dan?

Desert: Yeah whatever @the keem#0660 get the fuck over here

Hoes sad: Here

*Hoes sad has changed their name from Hoes sad to $PRITE*

Desert: Hunt down Dan

Gangwolf: Also it turns out dan has at least 17 senses

Gangwolf: He can sense bullets, good deals, loose objects and names

Desert: How the fuck

$PRITE: K

“SO, WHEN YOU GO HOME TODAY, SMASH THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON TO FASCIST DEKU VLOGS AND SPREAD THE WORD OF FASCISM ACROSS OUR GLORIOUS LAND OF GREAT JAPANIMERICA!” In response to the conclusion of Fascist Deku’s speech, hundreds of fireworks flew into the sky as a blue and white flag with a red circle filled with white stars rose up a flagpole, signifying the nationalism and pride of Great Japanimerica. People were roaring with cheers and joy, the crowd restless. Tsubasa was pretty sure one or two people next to him had literally shat their pants so they didn’t have to leave the speech at any point.

It took twenty minutes for the crowd to settle down and begin heading out. Tsubasa swore he saw Theo nearby, though he was swept away by the crowd and was left unable to greet his fellow moderator.

As he wandered outside the venue, waiting for the crowds to leave, he noted the medical stall set up outside the venue. Several people had had heart attacks of joy or various other medical issues during the speech, and they were now being attended to. Another one of his fellow moderators, RaynbowDeath, was among the fainted and wounded. And to make matters more bizarre, he recognised both Tango_Down and Grass from the discord, both working as staff for the medical stall. How bizarre it was to meet so many people from his internet life in real life too. But Tsubasa shook his head, and turned away from his friends, walking into the dark bamboo forest to remain unseen by the swarming crowds leaving the stadium.

From there, he slowly travelled back to the side of the venue, making sure not to be seen. He found the door unlocked, and headed through the brightly-lit facility’s corridors at a casual pace.

Tsubasa found the hallways surprisingly empty, until he reached the VIP Office. Inside of here must lie Fascist Deku, ready to be cut down by my blade, he reasoned. He readied his inner ninja spirit.

To his shock and horror, he suddenly found himself face to face with Fascist Deku, walking out of the office. Before Tsubasa could react, Fascist Deku had turned to him and strolled over.

“I could smell your killer intent from a mile away” Fascist Deku hissed in an anime character winning a fight tone. Tsubasa took a heavy gulp.

“Lil bitch” Fascist Deku whispered, before bitch slapping Tsubasa so hard he was launched directly out the wall of the building, coming to a fall in a dumpster outside.

Tsubasa was lying in the dumpster, a Sprite Cranberry to his side. He picked it up and finished off the remainders of the drink, pondering to himself. _I lost. I lost badly. I need to train, and train hard to beat Fascist Deku._

Suddenly, Tsubasa found a face looming over him. He couldn’t build up the strength to ask “Who the fuck are you?”

“I heard you talking to yourself,” the figure began explaining, “so I came over here. You said you need training? Well I consider myself a bit of a master in a secret ninja art.”

_SECRET NINJA ART?_ Tsubasa thought to himself.

General Eri knew 5 different secret ninja arts! This is a prime chance!

“Let me be taught by you!” Tsubasa suddenly shouted, raising from the dumpster as if he hadn’t been hurt at all. The streets around him were dark, not a single other soul in sight.

“Sure.” The figure replied. “You can call me Master Corny, Sensei of the Flutter Jump.”

#General

Tsubasa: I just got a sick ass teacher who’ll teach me ninja arts

Corny: Hello there

Tsubasa: Wtf no way @everyone

Carlossey: Lmao

ShiningOne: You fucking

SpicyTea: NOOOO

RandomAssLurker: wow

RandomDickLurker: wtf

Tango_Down: K

Danmerica: Hello Tsubasa dear

_Several hours earlier… _

Treasurer Jirou sat at her desk, doing paperwork and other things that make her look like an important, respectable business woman. She was patiently awaiting the winners of the poetry contest from the Festival of the Jirous.

As expected, the winners arrived on time. One was a young woman, with purple hair and a fashionable look to her. The other was dressed up in a costume of a Reddit Snoo.

“Why hello there!” Jirou brightly called out, putting on a professional voice she would later vomit even thinking about.

“Hmm” The Reddit Snoo cosplayer responded, their voice suggesting them to be a young male.

“Hello there!” Replied the woman, “My name is Punkkin and this is Dumb Fuck over here. We I believe are here for an autograph signing due to winning the poetry contest?”

Jirou simply nodded her head in reply. The dual poem made by these two combined both wholesomeness and utter lewd degeneracy in a clashing array of tone and mood that left the judge panel stunned and wordless. Jirou got out her purple pen and took the piece of paper handed to her by Punkkin.

Signing the paper, she handed the autograph back to Punkkin, who stashed it away. She stared expectantly at Dumb Fuck, wondering if he was planning to hand over anything.

“Hmm” Dumb Fuck said, staring at her. They had an awkward moment of silence before Punkkin took a spare copy of Moby Dick from Dumb Fuck’s costume pocket and handed it to Jirou to be signed.

Jirou stared at the book cautiously, not signing it yet. “…I believe this book is part of the banned list that Great Japanimerica had sent out, right? Something about homosexual undertones while also not coming from Japan or America?”

Punkkin quickly shook her head. “Actually, it does come from America, it’s just whoever was making the booklist didn’t think that any American would use the word ‘dick’ back then, because it was probably more of a British thing.”

“Was it?” Jirou mused, mostly to herself. “Probably. Anyways, Dumb Fuck here is a bit of a scholar, so he’s allowed books from the banned list. Can you just sign it?” Punkkin pushed the book along the desk further towards Jirou, a subtle request for action.

“Fine.” Jirou sighed, signing the front cover. “But you won’t use this for anything illegal or rebellious, right?” The way Punkkin meekly smiled and turned away made Jirou feel like there was a growing pit in her stomach.

“Anyways, we should get going now b-“ Punkkin was cut off by a slightly out of shape man running into the room, gasping for breath.

“JIROU, SOME RANDOM DUDE WAS FOUND DEAD UNDER A FIRE ESCAPE NEAR THE FESTIVAL OF JIROUS!”

“What?!” Jirou exclaimed, getting up from her desk.

“AND ON TOP OF THAT…” The out of shape man huffed, “YOUR HUSBAND, KAMINARI. HE’S LAYING AN EGG.”

“WHAT?!” Jirou ran out of the room, calling a taxi to bring her to the hospital where Kaminari resided ASAP.


	3. On The Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come up on the horizon.

“OH GOD OF FUCK ASDFJHSF” Kaminari phonetically-correctly screamed out text spamming, his pained words echoing across the operation room.

“PUSH MOTHERFUCKER PUSH!” The doctor was a heavily-built army man in his late 50s, who apparently had never gotten out of the drill sergeant dialect.

“WHY DON’T YOU TRY TO FUCKING LAY AN EGG OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE” Kaminari retorted back, writhing in pain.

Jirou hurried in to the room, taking place near the side. She briefly wondered if Kaminari was ok, then had to narrowly dodge a stray arc of electricity lurching off his body. She suddenly felt less sympathetic for the matter at hand after watching him fry two doctors, who promptly fell to the floor, unconscious.

“NURSE RAYNBOW, IT’S UP TO YOU TO HELP THE PATIENT!” The doctor boomed, running behind an insulated panel to avoid another arc of electricity.

The light show was fascinating. Electrical arcs burst around the room, indiscriminately hitting everything in their paths. Jirou got low to the floor, sending out her ear cords to make their way to Kaminari.

Nurse Raynbow ducked into the fray, grabbing hold of Kaminari’s legs. _ I can’t believe this is actually happening! _ Raynbow thought to himself. He had always read every Kaminari Lays an Egg fanfic, and today he got to see it happen for real! Grabbing hold of the partially-layed egg, he pulled as hard as he could, but found himself being resisted by Kaminari.

The thought crossed his mind to tell Kaminari to stop pulling, but a sudden earphone cord lunged out from the side of the bed, stabbing Kaminari in the neck. He fell unconscious as Raynbow successfully pulled the egg out, laying it on the end of the stained hospital bed.

The egg was round, a greeny-blue in hue. It wobbled slightly, suggesting an active inside force.

_ Success _, Raynbow thought.

#general

Carlossey: allmightsexingendeavor.png

PsuedoPigeons: No NSFW pls

RaynbowDeath: Kaminari just layed an egg

Fascist!Deku AU: Yeah but fascist deku just announced his next venue

Carlossey: Where

Fascist!Deku AU: The next meeting is in Canberra, Australia

Carlossey: Oh shit

  
  
  


The room was monochrome and large, like a cathedral that had been drained of colour. Pigeons were perched on every wall in the room, silently waiting for a command. The top of the room had open-air tunnels they could fly through if requested to.

A middle-sized woman sat in the centre of the room, laptop on her lap. She was trying to serve her customers in Papa’s Freezeria on Coolmathgames, when a knock on the door forced her to pause her game.

“Psuedo, urgent news!” A blank man walked into the room, completely lacking in pigments or facial features. Psuedo thought to herself that they looked rather like the figure in a male bathroom sign. 

“Somebody said on discord that Fascist Deku is having a rally in Canberra! What should we do?”

“Why didn’t you just ping me?” Psuedo was rather irritated at having her Papa’s Freezeria game interrupted.

“I don’t fucking know I want human attention” Replied the figure, who Psuedo had finally remembered as Carlossey. His ability to be utterly forgettable was somewhat irritating sometimes.

“Wait, how did you get here? Aren’t you like, 500 kilograms?”

“Have you ever seen an obese bathroom sign? Putting on weight doesn’t affect me like it does humans.”

#mod-chat

Beachyboy50: Anyways that’s why I’m now completely irrelevant to everything

Tea: Fascism has spread to Australia too

PsuedoPigeons: You guys coming?  
Tea: No

Fascist!Deku Au: Yes

Tsubasa: Yes

PsuedoPigeons: I’ll be too!

PsuedoPigeons: Theo, you coming?

Theo: Got it

PsuedoPigeons: Ok, see you guys there!

  
  
  


Punkkin stood in the middle of her laboratory, analysing schematics for her most recent project. _ That’s too small, that’s unneccesary, why is there a suicide bomb function put in? _ She took a brief glance up at her hired labhand, then back at the schematics. _ Not the type to put that in. Then who did? _

“Punkkin, are we gonna make this look like a Mercedes-Benz or a Ford Ranger?”

“Just do whichever one is more popular recently, $PRITE.”

$PRITE heeded her instruction and began remaking the schematics he had on him, perking up now that the topic of conversation topic had briefly gone to cars. This was the reason she hired him after all, an aspiring talent in automotive engineering who was banned from racing after making a car that could fly to gain an advantage in a race.

Punkkin stared down at the car before her. A car with a solar-powered battery that converted excess into energy, using miraculous technology to create nutrient-filled blocks of food as its output. Environmentally friendly, rechargable, a built-in regeneration factor allowing it to sustain damage and recover, and free food with a built in water filter, cooler, and ability to turn the backseat into a 3-person bedding area. It could solve housing, power, transportation, food and water issues in so many countries throughout the world, a paragon of design and technology to better the human race. Her future _ Magnum Opus _. At least, for a few years. She knew that if given a bit more time, she could create something thirteen times the greatness of this. But, this car was good enough for now.

Punkkin checked discord, and noted that there was a Fascist Deku Con in Canberra. _ Not worth going to in the slightest. Well, possibly even dangerous to go to. _ She turned off her phone and went back to work.

  
  
  


A fair morning light wafted in through the windows of Buckingham Palace. The queen sat at her dinner table, dining with two unfamiliar men.

_ The queen sure is stuffy _, Gangwolf thought to himself. He had found infiltrating Buckingham Palace as a ghost surprisingly easy, and the queen hadn’t fought very hard over the control of her body. He looked across the table at Desert and Phinorex, wishing that $PRITE could be here too. It would be easier if the whole group could be together.

“So, I believe we were discussing strategy…” Gangwolf, speaking as the queen, began.

“Dan is going to the next Fascist Deku Con in Canberra.”

“Desert will be going to attack him there.”

“And if he escapes?”

  
  
“I’ll go after him. Our shared interest in Jiro will allow me to get close to him.”

“If you say so, Phinorex.”

Gangwolf laid back in his chair, resting his bones. The queen’s body was so old and battered that it was a chore to complete every move. He wished he still had his own body, but it had been taken away from the crime scene.

Desert turned to stare at Gangwolf.   
  
“You know…”

“What?”  
  
“Technically you’re a drag queen.”

  
  
  
  


A train rushed over the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Seagulls soared through the harbour, screeching, as boats went to and fro across its waters. A young man and an emu sat in a cafe, its quaint wooden windows framing the scene. They were engaged in heavy conversation, quietly talking so nobody around could eavesdrop. Not like they had any worries. The cafe was completely empty of other life, save for a lady behind the counter, who stared off into the distance, a soulless look in her eyes.

“Was killing her necessary?” The man muttered to the emu.

“Tunk tunk tunk tunk (She’s not dead, Seaweed. Just dazed.)” 

The man winced at the sound. Emus’ voices were extremely deep, almost sounding like drum beats. To be honest, the sound made him slightly uncomfortable.

“Right, so down to business…”

“Tunk tunk tunk tonk tunk tunk (Fascist Deku Con is in Canberra. Take out a few bodyguards to send a message from Psuedo above the territory. Got it.)”

“Yes. And be careful. It’s said Fascist Deku has a bitchslap so strong it could launch a vegemite sandwich halfway across the globe.”

“Tunk tunk tunk tunk tunk (We’re both Australian, there’s no need to constantly talk about vegemite sandwiches.)”

“Fair enough. So, I heard you have a history…”  
  
“Tunk tunk tonk tonk tunk (First line in the Great Emu War. My magical spells helped save thousands of emu lives, and I never slaughtered a single human in my service.”

“Impressive. Merciful. But we don’t need mercy. We need to intimidate. Got it, Sorcerer Emu?”

“Tunk. (Of course, Mr. Seaweed)”

Mr. Seaweed and Sorcerer Emu got out of their seats, and left the store. Mr. Seaweed looked back in to see the counter lady shaking her head, returning to reality. She looked around slightly bewildered, before realising it was 3pm. She gasped and ran to the back, apparently checking on something.

The pair walked all the way to Milsons Point Station, catching a train to Central. Getting off there, they boarded an interstate train to Canberra.

  
  
  


#obama-netflix

Tea: I can’t believe how widespread fascism is at this point

Second Gay: Shush or Fascist Deku will get you

Tea: I mean this is ridiculous

Tea: There is literally a fascist state spreading across half the globe and nobody cares

Carlossey: Sad

Tea: I just don’t understand why this is making me rakjlsadjkl;sadjkl;

Tea: Anyways  
Tea: I just to say

Tea: That people need to stop giving into rapant fascism and consider a more logical course of politics 

Carlossey: All laws should be randomly generated that way it’s fair for everybody

The loud chopping of helicopter blades filled Canberra’s air. Fascist Deku’s elite fleet landed in front of Parliament House, the uproar of sound finally coming to a diminuendo. The main helicopter’s doors opened, and bodyguards began parading out. Fascist Deku quietly slipped out from one of the escort helicopters, making his way through Parliament. 

He checked his watch. Meet with the Prime Minister of Australia first. Then head to the first venue. Boring, but it was acceptable.

The meeting was, as predicted, boring. He felt like he was going to forget anything said in it the moment he left the room, and he did.

Fascist Deku headed down the main road, walking at a casual pace. He was surrounded by several bodyguards on each side. Not, he mused to himself, like he actually needed them. He suddenly made a ninety degree turn into a side alley, signalling to the bodyguards to not follow him.

  
The alleyway was dark and miserable, clearly not tended to in years. A homeless man sat in a pile of worn clothes to one side. Fascist Deku came to a halt next to him, not even bothering to turn in his direction.

“Hello there, assassin. I would say you tried, but you really didn’t.” He turned to look at the man, looking up at him fearfully.

_ How? _ Mr. Seaweed thought to himself, his body pumped full of adrenaline. He barely had time to act before one, two, three, four shots were launched into him from a pistol Fascist Deku appeared to have materialised out of thin air. He slid down the wall, limp and unmoving. Dead.

From a distant rooftop, Sorcerer Emu watched the scene through a pair of special emu binoculars. Not good. An ally lost, with little to no gain for the failure.

  
Sorcerer Emu cast a cloaking spell to shroud him in an illusion, making him look like a mere water tank, considering his options. It wasn’t like this was his only possible mission in town. Sure, PsuedoPigeons had offered him 5 million to take out 3 of Fascist Deku’s bodyguards, but he had been offered all the crown jewels by the queen to take out somebody called Danmerica, an unarmed American civilian. Comparing the two, the crown jewels were not only worth more, but much easier to obtain. He emu-sighed, giving up on the current hunt. He didn’t like giving up, but he had to.

As Sorcerer Emu walked away from the rooftop, he thought about recent events. Education Minister of America, Kaminari Denki, had reportedly laid an egg in a hospital earlier this morning. Both the crime queen of Oceania and the British Queen had contracted him to assassinate targets going to Fascist Deku Con. And Fascist Deku had come to Australia, obviously intending to spread his fascist ideals to the island continent. According to recent news, Punkkin the Great had even decided to go to Fascist Deku Con to demonstrate a new technology she had been developing with a partner. This was the first time she was going to one, even though the previous one a day ago had been held in her own city. A day ago. Fascist Deku was holding two conventions in succession. What was with the sudden upping of the pace. He used to space them out every few months, but he had recently gone to weekly, and now apparently daily events.

  
  


There was a lot on the horizon.


	4. Canberra

The Fascist Deku Con hall was steadily filling up with people, crowding into the event. On the left side were merchandise stalls, filled with various pro-fascist goodies. On the right side of the hall were technology demonstrations, showing off the scientific power of a nation united under fascism. Tsubasa lazily strolled through the tech demos, a new spring in his step.

Ever since he had begun training with Master Corny, he had slowly began mastering the technique of the flutter jump. He wasn’t quite sure it was at a usable level yet, but he had made surprising progress over the past 12 hours. Out of pure instinct, he searched around Fascist Deku Con for others from BokuNoMetaAcademia. Punkkin and Keem doing a tech demo for a car. Theo, Tango, Grass, Carlossey, Danmerica and Jordonn in the nearby crowds. He vaguely remembered seeing Raynbow and Beachy bickering over something about eggs earlier, and felt like Psuedo was here too, though that was mostly a gut feeling.

With nothing better to do, he headed over to Punkkin’s tech demo. She was demonstrating life-changing cars, giving people a source of food, energy, transport and housing at the same time. Supposedly to help out others who were down on their luck, but Tsubasa was used to sleeping on any surface he found, and there was plenty of food in dumpsters. He tried to listen into Punkkin’s excited speech, but found himself zoning out. With nothing better to do, he got on his phone and opened discord.

#general

Tsubasa: Hello

Tsubasa: Ok

Tsubasa: Well, bye

Nobody was online. Why did people have to go outside and have social lives?

The hall’s speaker systems flared to life, and a robotic voice began echoing out “ATTENTION ALL FASCIST DEKU CON GOERS-“ Like a switch, the cacophony of voices in the hall came to a stop.

“WE HAVE COME TO THE ATTENTION THAT THERE MAY BE EXPLOSIVES IN THE HALL. PLEASE CALMLY MAKE YOUR WAY OUTSIDE-“ With a loud **BANG!** The central speaker system exploded, falling to the floor.

“Calmly”, wasn’t followed. The screaming and pushing crowd were flinging themselves over each other, attempting to make an escape from the venue. Several more explosions buried many of the escapees under fallen rubble from the roof.

Punkkin ran around the stage desperately attempting to grab any technology she could hold in her hands, to not lose all of her prototypes. Maybe if she had tried to make a faster escape, she wouldn’t have been buried under yet another blast of debris from the roof. A chunk of metal from a beam hit her directly on the head. She didn’t get back up.

Tsubasa ran through the hall, pushing past people in the crowds. He finally came to an open stretch of flooring, but his rest was short-lived. Several men in suits ran out from all sides, pointing guns at him. One of them moved closer to him.

“Attention citizen. We are aware you have previously attempted homicide on Fascist Deku in the past. You are being detained. Do not fight back. Do not resist. Do not make a ruckus. Got it?”

“Yep!” Tsubasa shouted, jumping into the air. _Time to unleash the flutter jump_. He flailed his legs in the air, and for a second grew worried it wouldn’t work. He breathed a sigh of relief as he began moving upwards, his flutter-jump technique taking him above the crowd.

Tsubasa landed a good 20 metres away from his starting point, and began running away, instantly colliding with a large, fabric surface. He found himself planted directly into Fascist Deku’s chest, having been taken to a complete halt by the absolute awe of the man. He barely had a second to think before he was bitchslapped so hard that he flew out of the venue and into the Indian Ocean.

Keem stirred, getting up from where he lay on the ground. Crawling across the tech demo stage, he looked around.

“Damnit, where is she…” He found what he was looking for, and gained the strength to stand up, possibly running off pure adrenaline at this point.

Kicking Punkk’s lifeless corpse to the side, he got into the biocar, turning it on. He reversed it, and drove it through the nearest wall, crushing its main creator’s body in the process. He drove the car off down a sidestreet, not giving a single glance back to the Fascist Deku Con.

Most of the convention centre had fallen, now flaming rubble. Both lifeless and still-moving bodies littered the battlefield, with broken and burning structures filling the area. It almost looked like a flaming rubbish dump, except for the human presence. Paramedics and firefighters were arriving on the scene, but there was too much for them to be able to get through the mess. Danmerica walked unharmed through the chaos, protected by his Jirou Raincoat. Bending low, he picked up a Jirou phone case lying on the floor, and a bullet flew over his head.

He wheeled around. _Where had it come from? _Another bullet flew past his ear, which he dodged with his airborne projectile detection. _They’re coming from the ruins of the Hawks stall_. Dan kept low to the ground, dodging oncoming projectiles and scrabbling up the piles of rubble to get to the stall. As he drew near, the onslaught halted. A man climbed out of the ruins of the stall, running in the opposite direction. _Click_. Dan began turning around, but the grenade went off before he could even register the attack. He was slammed against the rubble, and reeled over in pain. He weakly fumbled for his pocket, attempting to grab his Jiro First Aid Kit.

“That’s what you get for shitting on Hawks, bitch.” Desert stood over Dan, several guns wedged between his fingers like playing cards.

Three shots fired. They were travelling towards Dan. Travelling, travelling, travelling… They seemed to be getting further away by the second. Dan looked at the ground, and found it stretching and bending, pulling him away from the scene.

Dan relaxed, letting the ground pull him away. It felt like hours, but he eventually found himself lying in front of an emu.

“You know, there’s a bounty on your head.”

“Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have stolen that oil painting of Jiro from the Louvre.”

“No, somebody was pissed off that you dissed hawks on a discord server.”

“Oh.” Dan stared up at the emu, inquisitively staring back at him. He listened into his senses, connecting to his 9th sense, knowledge of motor vehicles. A car was coming, equipped with a variety of gadgets and gizmos. It was the one from Punkkin’s tech demo earlier today, driven by some young man who apparently wasn’t giving much thought to where he was going. But if it continued like this, it was going to hit this emu straight on point. He just needed a few minutes…

“You know, it’s legally justified to say Hawks is a bad character.”

“I really don’t care about your opinion on Hawks.”

“But, according to the Geneva Conventio-“

“Stop trying to put off the inevitable.” The emu began conjuring a fireball before its beak.

“Can you at least tell me your name?”

The emu paused to look down at Dan. “Sorcerer Emu.”

“Can you summon a physically-accurate clone of Jiro?”

“…probably. But I already told you, stop trying to put off the inevitable. My client has promised me a large bou-“

“Emus can’t do magic.”

“What?”

“Their bird brains are too small to even comprehend what’s coming right for them.”

“You chose your last words, and you chose to be racist?”

“No, I chose to give you a warning.” A sudden car horn blasted as the biocar shot by, hitting Sorcerer Emu in the side, causing a sickening crunching of bones to echo across the field of rubble. The car didn’t even halt as it continued along on its merry way.

Danmerica laid down on the ground. He was tired and wounded, and needed to rest. He passed out on the spot, next to the barely-stirring figure of Sorcerer Emu.

#serious

Carlossey: My arm was impaled by part of the rubble earlier, they’re going to have to amputate it

Gangwolf: That’s awful. Condolences, really

PsuedoPigeons: The current death count is sitting at 50

PsuedoPigeons: This is one of the largest massacres in a long time

Carlossey: Didn’t 274 people die yesterday when a man didn’t let a lady pass through a door first and the building got so upset it detonated and fell?

The meeting room had been hastily set up in a nearby building to the destroyed convention centre, filled with hushed, whispering businessmen and businesswomen. Fascist Deku stood in the middle, and clapped once. The entire room fell silent.

“Now, today was a great tragedy. But there’s a positive to this. The violent actions of our dissenters will cause the public to sway in our favour, and I suspect that it’s a matter of weeks before Australia is converted to full-blown fascism. As far as I’m aware, we only lost 2 of our own in the event, and they were bodyguards. The actual loss was… neglible.”

The room was shuffling, moving into an organised position around the table. Several people still looked slightly dazed or shocked, and some left the room or kept to the back.

“But we have a few leads. There were 5 likely culprits for this event. The first was the Edge Pigeons, an organised crime group throughout Oceania. We have the information that several of their members were here today. The second culprit may have been Punkkin, as her inventing capabilities were great, and she was rather against our movement. But we have been informed of her death, so if it was her, not much can be directly done. The third option is that one of the various vigilantes or lunatics hunting me down did this. But they are not a threat, and all easily dealt with. Our last two options are that I did this, or that somebody else in the organisation did this. I can personally say I would never commit such a pointless act, so I will, with great disappointment, have to lay the finger on one of you. 5 options, but only the first and last seem likely. Do you all understand?”

There were several quick nods throughout the room, and it remained as perfectly silent as before.

“Now, onto the location of our next conference…”

Tea sat in the middle of their treehouse, examining a map on the floor. It was of the world, and Australia, Japanimerica, Canada, most of Western Europe and Brazil were coloured in red. All places that Fascist Deku had converted to fascism using his cunning ways and wordplay. Tea moved across the room, opening their computer. The internet was a bit slow to load out here, but it was better than being inside the fascism-ridden hive that was the city. They went to several news articles, cross-analysing them with amateur speakers on the event, and with their older articles. Several more news sites had began speaking about Fascist Deku with more praise and more dotingly over the past few weeks. Around 80% of news sites were demonstrating this behaviour. Almost the entirety of the international media was being controlled at this point.

Tea got up, and checked outside the window. A serene pine forest, calm, untouched, mostly safe. Shame there wasn’t plumbing. They laid down on a handmade hammock, and thought back to when this had started.

Fascist Deku had first emerged at the end of the recent conflict between Japan and America, a full-out cold war on whether dubs or subs were superior. Fascist Deku had united both sides, and as a token of peace, combined the countries into Great Japanimerica. From then, fascism had begun to take its roots. It first spread to Canada, mainly through word of mouth and close association. It then spread to Brazil during the 2016 games when Fascist Deku made a guest appearance, and spread through Western Europe as Fascist Deku made various guest appearances on tv shows, began the Fascist Deku Cons, and held regular rallies and speeches, and despite being a foreign political member on these countries, had won over the masses. Australia was a maybe, but after the events of today, it was an almost guarantee.

Tea closed their eyes, and sighed. Humanity was really in deep.


	5. Eggs and Furries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An egg hatches and furry roleplay takes place

Psuedo sat in a cushy, luxurious room, idling watching two pigeons playing battleships in front of her. That bathroom stall guy, two others she had forgotten the name of, and her sister sat around, lazing about. This wasn’t exactly productive per say, but maybe with this many people in the room somebody would think of something. She went back to Run 2 on CoolMathGames, attempting to beat the current level she was stuck on.

She noticed a ping on discord.

#mod-chat

Tsubasa: @PsuedoPigeons#2966 pls let me in

Tsubasa: Pls

Tsubasa: Where are the toilets I need to go piss

Tsubasa: and shit

Tsubasa: and fard

Tsubasa: Nvm did it in plant pot

Oh, that was an hour ago.

She pointed at the closest pigeon, then at the door. It flew over and undid the lock in roughly five seconds. She sighed. _That’s still half the speed I want you to go at._ Tsubasa ran into the room, out of breath. Psuedo sent another set of pigeons to remove the plant pot from the building.

“Did walking into a room after waiting an hour really take that much out of you?”

“No, but fiercely pacing around in circles for hours did.”

“Fair enough.”

Psuedo’s sister stepped forward, bowing to Tsubasa. She spoke, unravelling her 6-foot tongue in the process.

“I believe you athked for my training and athithtance?”

“Yes, Psutongue. Please, teach me the art of tongue manipulation so that I may defeat Fascist Deku!”

“Why, of courth, dearie!” Psutongue smiled her classic tonguey smile, and headed out of the room, Tsubasa following.

Psuedo tapped a feather against her hand, thinking. Well, that was Tsubasa out of the way. Theo still had his request, but the complex genetic patterns of the Weed Fish were unlikely to be easily replicated. Many people though of Theo as a somebody lost or addicted, but only she knew of his genuine passion for the weed fish.

A living fish, constructed purely out of marijuana. That’s really all that was special about it, but it was pretty fucking cool to have a weed fish. But on the day of its unveiling, Fascist Deku had walked by, carelessly bumping into the tank and knocking it over, killing the three living Weed Fish inside. Who knows what scientific advancements they could’ve contributed to the world, if it weren’t for their unfortunate destruction? Possibly nothing, but they could’ve been cool, so don’t look down on them you dipshit. When he had lost those Weed Fish, his parents stopped talking to him out of shame. Rain poured from the sky, for pathetic fallacy. A schoolbus of children crashed and died. McDonalds announced they were changing the price of $1 frozen coke to $2. Truly a dark day for humanity.

#general

Grass: Kaminari’s egg has been moving super often the past day!

Carlossey: Okie dokie

Corny: Cool

Tsubasa: It hatched yet?

Grass: No, but soon!

Grass got off their phone, checking on the incubator. Whatever was inside looked like it was on the verge of finally making its escape. A rather tired pair of Jirou and Kaminari sat to the side, waiting. The egg lay in an incubator in the centre of the white-walled room, twitching every few seconds. Grass’ shift was due to end in 20 minutes, and they were inwardly disappointed they wouldn’t get to see the egg hatch.

Grass checked general. People were currently having a heated political debate there, despite the fact they should be doing it in #news-and-politics. Grass went to #on-topic instead.

#on-topic

Grass: Egg still hasn’t hatched

Tango_Down: Rip

RaynbowDeath: :(

_Crack, crack, crack._

Grass turned around. Everybody else in the room was either dozing off or already asleep, leaving Grass alone to watch the egg cracking down the middle.

The eggshell finally shattered, splitting in two. A bright light gleamed out, and a sudden burst of movement lobbed a pandora’s box of chaos into the room. The first thing Grass saw was a Pikachu, running away while screaming “PIKA PIKA” at the top of its lungs. In its rush it butted straight into Grass, tackling them to the floor. What appeared to be two fully-grown copies of Kaminari rose next, immediately making a dash for the door. Grass noted one was much smaller than the other. A third Kaminari ran off, though Grass noticed this one had big letters across its face spelling “THE TRAITOR”. Finally, several copies of Carlossey flew out of the egg and promptly out of the room. What were they doing in there?

In the remains of the egg, several objects remained. A phallic silicone object, an egg, a car battery, and a chick all laid there. Grass also noticed yet another Kaminari egg in the mess.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Jirou had woken up, and promptly screamed at the sight in front of her.

“The egg just hatched, Mrs Jirou.” Grass maintained an air of professionalism, shuffling their rather heavy nurse scrubs.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE US UP?” Jirou continued shouting, and Grass wondered why she was getting so emotional over a fucking egg. It’s not even like that bitch actually helped make it.

Grass politely bowed, then left the room, ignoring the verbal berating which Kaminari was still sleeping through. As they left the hospital and got to their car, they opened the bag.

The second Kaminari egg that had hatched from the first lay in the middle of a heavy jacket. Grass closed the bag, and got in their car. This was going to make him a millionaire.

#general

Corny: Hi

Funny Valentine: Hi

Beb: Beb

Tsubasa: Beb

Grass: Beb

Carlossey: Beb

Corny: What

Master Corny rose from their magical corn pedestal, looking out over the cornfields. What the fuck was a Beb? Whatever, it probably didn’t matter. Corny would usually hone their epic ninja skills today, but they had special arrangements. Corny and their epic gamer bf were going to do furry roleplay over the internet. It was time.

Direct Messages with Funny_Valentine

Corny: uwu owo wolf walks downs stweet

Funny_Valentine: Uwu femboi fox wiggles butt seductively

Corny: uwu walks over and wiggles backy-wacky~

Funny_Valentine: Pulls out gwun and shwoots sevewal passerbais

Corny: uwu noooo dats iwwegal!!! Im gonna have to handcwuff u ;)

Funny_Valentine: *Femboi fox dodges u*

Corny: owo *pulls out taser*

Funny_Valentine: Eats taser with butt

Corny: Owo pulls out Honda Civic

Funny_Valentine: Uwu wuns away

Corny: uwu *catches up to u with the 2019 Honda Civic’s subtle front and rear styling changes to update the look, better sound isulation and updated trim with the addition of a volume knob and hard keys for the available display audio touchscreen multimedia system, sport trim level between the base LX and midlevel EX, and Honda Sensing suite of active safety features that are now standard, as well as the adaptive cruise control, forward collision warning and automatic emergy braking with the lane departure warning and lane-keeping assist and finally the automatic high-beam headlights.

Funny_Valentine: Uwu okay *Gets run over*

Corny: *Unruns you over then ties you up*

Funny_Valentine: Uwu I wikey being tied uppy

Corny: *Ties u up and licks ear* mmmmm dat tastes goooood owo

Funny_Valentine: *dies*

Corny: Oh shitty witty I killed a cwiminall!!!!! Nuuuuuuuuuuuu

Funny_Valentine: Owo gets revived as several evil cwones

Corny: uwu noooooooo

Funny_Valentine: Uwu cwones take over worldy-worldy and destroy evewything

Corny: nuuuuuuu!!!! I will be ur swave

Funny_Valentine: uwu ok

Corny: watches as u get taken over by political extremists and die

Funny_Valentine: Nuuuu now u must commit necrowophilia on mai corpse

Corny: Ok

*Added $PRITE to group*

Corny: Jwoin me uwu

Funny_Valentine: *Seductively lays down dead*

Corny: Begins sexing the cworpse

  
$PRITE was so traumatised reading the furry roleplay that he didn’t realise that he was crashing into the side of Buckingham Palace, running over several schoolchildren, a dog, an old man and a cure for cancer along the way. The car remained untouched, of course, because it was fucking awesome.

Queen Elizabeth-Gangwolf was stirred from their midday nap by a sudden crashing in the palace. They ordered the guards to go investigate the disturbance at once, then laid back in bed.

Why was it so hard to assassinate somebody for the crime of dissing Hawks? First he had died, then Desert went missing, then the hired assassin died, and then Phinorex went AWOL. He yawned as his arthritis kicked in again, and he immediately remembered why he fucking hated being an old lady.

#news-and-politics

Tea: Fascist deku is a rising problem that has been getting worse by the literal second

Fascist!Deku Au: No

Tea: I’m not getting into this

Fascist!Deku Au: Because you’re wrong

Lost_Traveler: There’s more to punkkin’s lab

Tea: What

Lost_Traveler: There’s a secret lab

Tea: Why

Lost_Traveler: Probably for war crimes or something

Tea: s;lkdjs’qioperu n9wnqeru9023[

Lost_Traveler: hmm

A man in a Reddit Snoo costume shifted the metal grate, finding it rather easier to shift than he expected. His costume was a bit large, but he managed to fit through the grating, crawling down an empty metal chute.

The original’s house had been largely untouched since her death. Her funeral had taken place around a day ago, and the mansion grounds had become a sombre place to be, an unfortunate reminder of the tragedies of life.

The man crawled onwards, into the chute. He crawled and crawled and crawled, and began thinking of turning around. As that thought slowly solidified into a good idea, he bumped against another metal grate. The air was chillier here, and soft clunking noises could be heard in the distance, happening at uneven intervals. _Trav, that’s who he is._ Trav shivered, and pushed out the metal grate.

The Second Lab. A place not on any blueprints, not on any documents, never even spoken of in words before. The original had showed him this place once, and when she left it with him she never returned to it. Never returned to us.

Clunk, clunk, clunk. The noises beat against the floor. They stopped.

Trav had already began crawling back through the chute. He was adventurous sometimes, but he wasn’t dealing with whatever that was.

As he crawled along the chute, the clunking sounds faded away.

In the silence, he thought he could hear the sound of nails scraping on metal behind him.

He crawled faster.

I stood up, free from the chutes and corridors at last. The night air was cold, but it was so much wilder, so much _freer_, than the controlled, perfect temperatures in the lab.

I remember the Lab Proper. Twelve incubation pods, all lined up neatly in two rows, each row against an opposing wall. I remember the labels, those electronic tablets, the only thing that seemed to change in that static cage.

PK-01: Status, Active. Location, Wellington, New Zealand.

PK-02: Status, Active. Location, Chicago, United States of America.

PK-03: Status, Active. Location, Second Lab. _That’s me!_

PK-04: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-05: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-06: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-07: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-08: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-09: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-10: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-11: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

PK-12: Status, Inactive. Location, Second Lab.

One at a time, that’s how we were sent. One by one to develop by our lonesome, then to travel into the world. Well this experiment hadn’t gone how the original had planned. It took a while, but I reverse-engineered her coding and got into the incubation pods. As I crawled out of that air vent, I swore I could hear the simultaneous release of nine more of her, of me, of us, from behind. I wondered to myself how human interaction might change the experiment a bit. It brought a bit of petty pleasure to my mind, to know I was screwing with those _controlled variables_ she loved so damn much for some blasted reason.

Standing out here in the moonlight, it felt pretty damn good to know that there wouldn’t be some philanthropist or Good Samaritan trying to reason with me, or not let me release what I’ve wanted to let out for so god damn long.

My stomach rumbled. Fuck, I hadn’t eaten in literally me entire life. Where was the nearest Wendy’s? Do I have a wallet? What do I have for identity? Why do I exist? What’s the purpose of life? Why the fuck is Overhaul’s beak so large in the anime? As I had an existential crisis, I suddenly realised that I was actually really fucking hungry god where the fuck is the nearest Wendy’s

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update this at least every week. If not earlier, depending on how I feel. And yes, this is going to be a multiple chapter story.


End file.
